


Losing Lysistrata

by angstbot



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, F/F, Past Rape/Non-con, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 03:52:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1181559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstbot/pseuds/angstbot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina withholds sex from Emma, discovers that she’s only hurting herself, and attempts a magical solution. Hijinks ensue. Established relationship. Smutty as hell. Cracky. (Hopefully) funny and delightful. Now complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Tiny, tiny mention of past marital rape. Not even a whole sentence. 
> 
> Gets way smuttier in Chapter 2, promise.

“I can’t believe you are choosing your _mother_ over me,” Regina snarled.

Emma sighed, wondering why her partner and her mother just _had_ to have a decades-long blood feud. “I am not _choosing_ her. Sometimes you’re right. She happens to be right this time. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“But it does mean that you won’t be _loving_ me,” the queen huffed.

“What?”

“You heard me,” Regina snapped. “No sex. Perhaps some deprivation will show you the error of your ways.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am deadly serious, Sheriff Swan.”

**

It took exactly three days for Regina to start feeling a little edgy from the withdrawal. She told herself that was reasonable, that she’d just gotten used to having regular—every day, sometimes twice a day, four times on Sunday—sexual activity. She found herself acutely aware of Emma’s presence when they encountered each other, and was glad they still maintained separate residences because otherwise this would be quite difficult.

But it wasn’t a crisis, and surely Emma was having a harder time of it than she was, because the mayor knew damn well she was irresistible. And if she’d also stacked the deck by making sure that every shirt she’d worn lately defied the laws of physics to stay closed and every skirt and pair of pants happened to cling to her ass and thighs in a way that was just shy of scandalous, all was fair in love and war. Emma would crack any time now.

**

At the one week mark, Regina awoke from an erotic dream about the sheriff with her silky nightgown rucked up around her waist and a hand rubbing furiously between her thighs. She stilled the motion as soon as she was fully awake, a bit shocked to have started masturbating without any conscious decision.

This was ridiculous! She. Was. A. Queen! She had spent her entire adult life bending people and things to her will, and she was damned if she was going to be derailed now by being _horny_. But she was _so_ wet, and throbbing _so_ hard already, and alright, what could it hurt? The mayor tried not to dwell on her own gusty sigh of relief as her hand started moving again, slipping effortlessly where she was slick and oh- when she brought up her fingers to circle her clit it was so _good_.

But it wasn’t enough. Pulling her panties off to give herself space, the queen slid two fingers from the other hand inside with a little “mm” of satisfaction. _This_ was even better, and she felt herself smile as she found a rhythm. Yes, this would be just the thing. She could take the edge off and then torment Emma for _ages_ yet.

After long minutes of self-love, Regina sighed in frustration. This was entirely pleasant but not building _anywhere_ , even when she had pulled out her usual favorite tricks, rolling over to let her hips thrust and riding her hand hard. Alright, this happened sometimes, and she had a little helper in her nightstand for just such an occasion.

Twisting it on at the base, she rubbed it against her clit for a while, feeling her whole body perk up at the stimulation. Yes, okay, now she was getting somewhere, and she slid it inside, liking the stretch of it compared to her fingers.  This was going to do the trick, she was sure, as she brought her other hand up and pinched her nipples through silky fabric.

Fifteen minutes later the vibrator collided impressively with the bedroom wall, the buzzing stopping abruptly as the cap came off and the batteries came out. What the hell was wrong with her? This used to be enough. She used to be able to get off without a ready tongue or strong thrusting fingers or- damn it. She sighed.

Okay, the mayor needed, _really fucking needed_ to get fucked. But losing this battle of wills with Emma was simply unacceptable. How to do both?

Abruptly she was reminded of a spell she’d used to get out of a previous sexual predicament. A few relatively standard magical components, a hair from the intended person, and a lot of concentration, and one could make a duplicate. A mindless duplicate, but a biddable one, and Leopold had never even noticed when the woman he bedded had started to have a blank stare rather than a poorly-disguised expression of loathing. Regina shuddered a little at the memory.

Getting ahold of one of Emma’s hairs was easy; she found them constantly all over her otherwise spotless house. The spell wasn’t that hard. But did she dare? The sheriff would never let her live it down if she found out, and she wasn’t supposed to be doing magic . . . but god damn it she needed to _come_.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, she decided. The spell had to be performed at twilight, and she could assemble the necessary ingredients by then, and there was always the chance Emma would cave before she had to go through with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t stop writing these two! Send help. Or don’t.
> 
> Title and concept from Aristophanes, of course. Proximate inspiration from the fact that some women in Japan are withholding sex right now to influence an election. 
> 
> And hey! I managed to write Regina’s POV for a hot minute.


	2. Chapter 2

This had gotten ridiculous, Emma decided. It had been a week. A week! Of no sex! While her own hands and judicious use of a detachable showerhead had gotten her through many a lonely day, week, month, year before and were keeping the edge off, fucking Regina was _so_ much better.

The sheriff strode up the path at the mayoral mansion, ready to argue, seduce, cajole, or maybe even beg and just resolve this damn thing. Surely Regina’s anger had cooled somewhat and she could be reasonable by now, right? Emma tried not to remember that this was the same woman who’d held a grudge for over a decade and, oh, cursed an entire kingdom over it.

There was no response to her knock, but Regina’s car was here and in the gathering dark she could see that the light was on in her bedroom. She tried texting. And calling. Finally, feeling ridiculous hanging out on the mayor’s front steps, she let herself in with the key she’d been given for emergencies, figuring this qualified.

Calling out to Regina and still hearing no response, she made her way up the stairs. Maybe the mayor was in the shower or something. She tapped lightly on the bedroom door before opening it, hoping that the queen wouldn’t be too furious if the sheriff walked in on her naked.

Emma was startled to find that the older woman was in fact naked, on her back, with someone other than Emma face-first between her legs.

“What the fuck, Regina?!?!”

“Emma! This is not what it looks like,” the older woman sputtered. “Swan, stop,” she added in an aside to the woman licking at her, and Emma really looked at the third person in the room for the first time.

Her eyes flew immediately back to Regina. “You fucking cloned me?”

The mayor had the decency to look embarrassed. “Sort of.”

Emma was overwhelmed with laughter at the absurdity of this situation. “Well, at least if you are going to be in bed with someone who’s not me, it _is_ me,” she chuckled. “I mean, she’s just a complicated magical sex toy, right?”

“More or less. I tell her what to do and she does it. Swan-” Regina began, in order to demonstrate.

“Wait, Swan?” the blonde asked, realizing what she’d heard for the first time.

There was that embarrassed look again. Emma kind of liked it. “Calling her Emma felt beyond the pale.”

“Little bit,” Emma agreed. “How does it work?”

“You bind the copy to an object,” she explained, holding up her left hand to show the ring on it. “So she has to take my orders.”

“And if I have the ring?” Emma asked eagerly. From the way Regina refused to meet her eyes, she had her answer. “Gimme.” Seeing the resistance on the older woman’s face, she admonished, “Nuh-uh, Regina. You lost the right to bargain when you made a sex toy copy of me.”

The mayor reluctantly took it off and handed it over. As the blonde slid it onto her own left ring finger, she felt a little giddy with the power of it all. Best to start slow. “Swan, suck one of Regina’s nipples.”

Regina’s eyes fluttered shut at the sensation, and fuck this was hot, like watching 3D video of herself fucking the mayor. Goddamn she needed to touch her, so she shucked out of her clothes and climbed on the bed.

The older woman’s eyes snapped open at Emma’s mouth on the neglected breast. “God,” she breathed.

The blonde sank into the joy of having her mouth on Regina again.  Fucking hell she had missed this.

“Emma, please,” the older woman panted, and the neediness in her voice was even better.

The sheriff replaced her mouth with her fingers pulling and twisting at Regina’s nipple and moved up to kiss the queen hungrily. “Fuck, you are so fucking hot,” she said, pulling back to just _look_ at her again.

Regina whimpered, her hips bucking at nothing. “You are so hard up for it, aren’t you?” Emma asked. The queen bit her lip and nodded. “Well so am I, Regina, and denying me was your idea.”

The blonde had an inspiration, a smirk sliding across her face. “You’re going to show me how sorry you are.” The desperate look on the older woman’s face almost made Emma feel bad. Almost. “You’re going to eat me, and because I am very generous _she’s_ going to eat _you_ ,” she said, tipping her head at her double, still completely joined at the mouth to Regina’s breast.

Emma shifted to sit back against the headboard and spread her legs. “Swan, stand up. Regina, bring that perfect fucking mouth of yours over here.” The mayor did as she was told, crawling between the blonde’s legs. Emma sighed at the first contact. “There’s my good girl.” She thought about making the older woman wait, but relented. “Swan, lay on your back and lick Regina’s pussy until she comes all over your face.”

**

“Swan, lay on your back and lick Regina’s pussy until she comes all over your face.”

Regina would never admit it, but she loved it when Emma talked dirty, and this entirely crass instruction to the clone made her moan into the sheriff’s cunt. And then, god- the double’s hot breath was between her thighs for a split second of anticipation and then _tongue_. Glorious, firm, wet, attentive tongue exactly where she so desperately needed it, and it was so fucking good. Regina almost sobbed with relief at finally getting the touch she craved.

And it was even better to have Emma in her mouth at the same time. Lord knew Regina could be selfish, but she loved, really _loved_ going down on this woman. The slick texture of her, the little breathy noises, the clenching of her thighs under Regina’s hands as she wrapped her arms around them to keep the blonde’s hips steady—it was all entirely sublime, and the mayor realized that, while other needs had occupied her attention in a more immediate way, she had missed _this_ so much.

Then Emma’s fingers threaded through dark hair and the blonde started canting her hips against her mouth, muttering expletives as she got close. The queen ground her hips down onto Swan’s mouth, thankful that the copy didn’t actually need to breathe, because it was just so amazing feeling Emma _everywhere_.

When Emma arched into her orgasm, Regina wasn’t far behind, a few more strokes on her clit from the clone sending her right along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I’m writing more than 2 chapters. 3, maybe 4?


	3. Chapter 3

Now that she’d come once to take the edge off, Emma’s mind raced with all the possibilities the double presented. She didn’t particularly want to interact with Swan, because having sex with herself felt a little weird. But having an extra set of everything in play as she fucked Regina was something she could totally get behind.

Seeing the mayor looking up at her from between her legs—eyes hungry, lips shiny—the blonde groaned low in her throat with want. “Come here,” she said, using the hand still threaded through the older woman’s hair to encourage her to crawl up and kiss her, adding “Swan, get off the bed” so that they could make out in peace. A mindless copy was definitely the best way to have a threesome.

They shared deep, slow kisses for long minutes, and Emma sank into the sensation of being together again. But soon she wanted more, sliding her hands between them to brush torturously light strokes over Regina’s nipples.

The queen broke the kiss, arching her back to give the sheriff better access. “God, Emma, don’t tease me.”

“After what you’ve been _wearing_ this week?” The blonde was incredulous. Regina just groaned in response, starting to roll her hips against a strong thigh.

“Nope,” Emma said, reaching down to still her motion, though Regina was dripping and felt amazing sliding against her skin. “Not until you admit that this was a terrible way to resolve an argument. Not until you confess how much you want me.”

Regina looked her straight in the eye and enunciated, “I need you to _fuck_ me,” and while it wasn’t what the blonde had asked for it was too hot to refuse.

“That’ll do. Get up.”

“What? Emma,” the older woman whined, actually _whined_ , and it was so fucking good.

“Trust me. It’s a reward.” As Regina reluctantly did as she was told, the blonde quickly scanned the room to collect her thoughts on logistics and added, “Hands against the wall, there, yes. Leave some space in front of you. Bingo.” Emma got off the bed and walked over to the older woman, drinking in the sight of her. She took a second to luxuriate in how much she wanted this and how good it was going to be for her lover, then said, “Swan, get on your knees behind Regina and lick her asshole.”

“Oh my god,” Regina shuddered.

“Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Emma smirked, sinking slowly to her knees, eyes locked with the queen’s, and slid into the space between her legs and the wall to tongue her cunt at the same time.

**

God, Regina loved the way Emma ate pussy, all focus and intensity like this was the only thing in the world. The sheriff devoured her as if starving, like if she took her mouth off for even a second she’d die.

Then the blonde was pushing her hips back, and as her hands slid down the wall to stay balanced Regina realized Emma was bending her over farther, staying with her but exposing her incredibly more for the double’s ministrations. The mayor moaned helplessly, because damn this was dirty in the best possible way. She could feel her body opening up under the combined effects of insistent tonguing and saliva slickness.

Tossed around on an ocean of sensation, Regina wanted to buck forward toward Emma and push back against Swan all at once but was unable to do either as waves of pleasure rolled over her one after another. Emma was sucking her clit in and out past her lips in the way that always drove her wild, and Swan was actually tongue-fucking her ass now, and this felt too good to survive, and then the world went white as she came harder than she could ever remember.  

The queen came back to awareness just as Emma was laying her carefully down on the bed and murmured, “I love that you can pick me up.”

“It’s why I do it every chance I get,” the blonde answered.

“Mm, come here,” the mayor answered, feeling a surge of affection. Emma obligingly climbed onto the bed and kissed Regina. “No, come _here,_ ” she said again, using both hands on the blonde’s back to pull her body completely flush against her as their mouths met again.

Their kisses quickly became intensely passionate, Regina running greedy fingers up and down Emma’s back. On a downward stroke she grabbed the blonde’s ass to pull them even tighter together, making one of Emma’s legs fell between hers, and the queen was startled by how incredibly sopping the sheriff was against her upper thigh.

“So wet,” she breathed.

Emma chuckled. “I’d imagine you haven’t seen yourself come, but it’s really fucking hot.”

Regina smirked. “But I’ve seen _you_. I’d like to again right now, in fact,” she added, sliding her fingers around the blonde’s hip and between her legs.

“Oh you would, would you” the sheriff said, and while her tone pretended not to cooperate, her hips shifted to let Regina’s fingers press into her.

“There’s my good girl,” the queen purred, settling into thrusting inside, drinking in the sight of Emma as she met the motion with her hips, head back and breasts bouncing ever so slightly. She wanted them in her mouth so badly, and managed to push up on one elbow to reach while continuing to fuck the blonde slow and steady.

“Fucking hell I missed you,” the sheriff muttered after long moments of this. “Don’t _do_ this to us again.”

The mayor pulled her mouth off Emma’s nipple with deliberate noise. “I don’t know, dear, the needy way you’re riding my hand isn’t much of a disincentive,” she snarked.

“Regina,” the blonde admonished, somehow managed to sound both exasperated and breathy.

Looking into Emma’s eyes, curling her fingers within her, she loved this woman so completely. “No,” she acknowledged quietly, “I don’t think I will.” Smiling one of her rare, genuine smiles, she added, “Come for me, my darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by C's comment, I'm now thinking of this as a Valentine's gift to you, dear readers, so I pushed up the schedule on finishing Chapter 3 to post tonight.
> 
> This is actually turning out kind of sweet. Hopefully, there’s enough smut to keep it from getting sickly.
> 
> Chapter 4 sneak peek: “And here we thought it was a bad thing when we each went out and bought a strap-on independently.”


	4. Chapter 4

The way Regina licked her fingers after pulling them out sent desire racing through Emma again. “So. Fucking. Hot,” she murmured.

The queen flicked an elegant eyebrow. “I’m not sure you really think so.”

Emma knew this wasn’t fishing for compliments, but couldn’t pin down what Regina was doing. “You’re not?”

“I’m still waiting on a proper fucking, dear,” the older woman explained with a mock pout.  

Ah, that was it. Emma gave an evil little chuckle. “Oh you’re going to get fucked, alright. But it’s gonna be really _im_ proper.” She glanced over at Swan, still kneeling obediently where they’d left her. “How long do we have her for?”

“The spell dissipates at sunrise.”

 “Plenty of time,” Emma grinned, climbing off Regina and going to the nightstand. “And here we thought it was a bad thing when we each went out and bought a strap-on independently,” she mused as she turned back to the older woman, lube in hand.

Regina’s eyes went wide. “You’re not.”

“I am. But don’t panic, the one you bought because you wanted to watch me have to _stretch_ to take it isn’t going anywhere near your ass.”

“God,” the mayor groaned as the blonde crawled back onto the bed between her legs. Then her breath hitched as Emma started stroking firm circles between her ass cheeks. The older woman’s tighter entrance was still somewhat relaxed from the tonguing earlier, and Emma was able to slip her first finger in almost immediately.

“Jesus, I love fucking you up the ass,” she muttered.

“Please never stop, dear,” Regina hummed, pushing toward her to get her deeper.

Want hit Emma hard in the chest all over again. “God, Regina.”  Pulling out, she positioned two fingers against the queen’s hole, using them to funnel a fresh slather of lube down and then pressing in. As she resumed her steady thrusting, she twisted gently to really open the older woman’s ass for the strap-on cock.

“More,” the older woman moaned.

“You sure you’re ready?”

“Emma, get your fucking cock up my ass _right now_ ,” the queen demanded.

The blonde shuddered, but answered “Not mine. Hers.” Turning to her copy, she commanded, “Swan, put on the blue strap-on in the bottom drawer of the nightstand and then come lay on the bed.”

Once the double had done what she was told, Emma pulled her fingers out of Regina and moved over to lube up the fake dick thoroughly, then stood up. “Sit on Swan’s cock, Your Majesty,” the blonde instructed, standing back to watch as the older woman gradually worked herself onto it, strong thighs flexing in increasingly bigger motions until finally she took it deep.

“Fuck, baby,” the blonde said, moving over to the toy drawer. She cleaned her hand quickly but thoroughly to prevent cross-contamination, then pulled out the second fake cock.

When Regina had bought it in the first place, Emma’d had a good laugh not only because they now had more dick than she thought they’d ever use at once but because _of course_ Regina would buy the one that seated inside the wearer and would stimulate her at the same time. Here and now, however, both things seemed far less silly and far more wonderful.

This whole evening had been so obscenely hot that the vertical end slid into her easily, and her eyes rolled back for a split second at the feel of it. Then she was crawling back onto the bed where Regina continued to fuck her ass slowly on Swan’s cock with small flexes of her thighs. “You are so fucking hot,” she groaned.

“What’re you going to do about it?” the queen taunted.

Emma didn’t reply directly. “Swan, hold Regina spread.” The double obediently raised her knees to press inside Regina’s thighs, tipping the mayor more onto her back and giving Emma the most amazing view. She just stopped to admire it for a moment, the older woman’s stretched asshole and dripping cunt and hard, ready clit.

And god- she just needed to taste her for a minute, flicking quick strokes and then pushing her tongue inside just because from this angle she _could_. She almost lost herself in it, but then remembered what she was delaying. Pulling back, she asked, “Ready, baby?”

“God, yes.”

**

If it hadn’t felt so good, Regina would have been embarrassed by the moan that fell out of her mouth as Emma pushed the larger strap-on slowly into her, giving her time to adjust. When it was finally in to the hilt, she felt so incredibly full.

When the blonde groaned, “Yes, baby, so full of cock,” the mayor realized she’d said it out loud.

Then Emma began rolling her hips slowly, pumping the strap-on in and out, and Regina gave herself up to the weightlessness of being taken for long moments, her eyes fluttering shut.

When the blonde groaned above her, she opened her eyes to see the sheriff’s eyes riveted to her breasts as they bounced with the steadily increasing force of her fucking. The queen used the little range of motion left to her to arch her back and offer up her nipples, and Emma took the invitation, leaning down to bite and suck and god- she hadn’t thought this could feel any better until it did.

Regina’s entire body was singing with sensation, and she just wanted it to last forever. She vaguely heard the blonde murmur something about giving her everything, then a command to Swan to do something or other, and then the double’s hands were running all over her body and a hot mouth found the spot where her shoulder met her neck.

Abruptly needing more connection, she tangled her fingers in blonde hair and pulled her partner up for a kiss. With the changed angle, at the blonde’s every move hit her clit, and it was all she could do to clutch at Emma by the shoulders and hold on as a litany of “Oh my god, yes, fuck me, please” fell out of her mouth.

Then her orgasm exploded along every nerve ending, searing through her white-hot.

Regina realized she must have actually been unconscious, because the next thing she knew not only was Emma no longer fucking her but also there was no longer anything inside her and she was under the covers, curled on her side.

“Hey, baby,” came Emma’s voice, and she turned her head to see her partner looking down at her with a fond smile. The blonde knelt on the bed and leaned down to kiss her softly.

“I love you,” the queen found herself saying, because what else was there?

Emma gave a soft chuckle, “You say that to all the girls who fuck you into a stupor.”

“I certainly do,” Regina agreed.

“The girls who fuck you into a stupor love you too,” the blonde added. “And would like to make a Regina sandwich of a cuddlier sort for the rest of the time Swan is with us.”

“That sounds nice,” the mayor murmured.

Emma pitched her voice a little louder to carry to the double. “Swan, get into bed next to Regina.” When the copy crawled in and settled down with her back against Regina’s front, she frowned. “Guess that instruction wasn’t specific enough.”

“No, this is good,” the queen said, snuggling her face into Swan’s shoulder. “You never let me spoon you.”

Emma laughed. “She can be my stunt-little-spoon,” the blonde suggested as she wrapped herself around the mayor from behind, their bodies fitting together perfectly the way they always did.

Surrounded by two iterations of her partner, the last thing Regina heard before slipping into sleep was “Don’t you forget that spell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special guest star: cfkaatje’s comment on Chapter 1


End file.
